I’m waiting for my six-week-old nephew to smile. Not a reflex smile. I want to see a genuine, gum-baring  “I’m happy,” smile. Most of us come into this world crying, but we have to learn how to smile. And we search for reasons to smile our entire lives. Here are some thoughts on what makes us smile.

The many types of smiles

What prompts a person to smile? Your average kindergartner will tell you we smile because we’re happy. But that’s not always the case. Like any emotion, smiling can appear in response to a multitude of feelings. It could be because we’re:

• Nervous
• Relieved
• Devious
• Posing
• Laughing
• Earnest
• Embarrassed
• Desperate
• Disguising sadness or anger

A smile can be interpreted in so many ways. We’re either trying to project happiness or mask intensity or vulnerability.  Smiles can be as off-putting as they are comforting. However, it’s the expression that we value as a way to market ourselves to others or receive validation from someone else.

Smiling to feel happy

Psychologists have tested the theory that smiling can boost our mood, our energy levels, and even our immune systems. I’ve found this to be true whenever I’ve had to put on a friendly show despite being in a bad mood. The more I fake being happy, the more my negative feelings go away, and that smile becomes genuine.

Emotions in general are connected to our sense of control. They play a factor in every decision we make in our day-to-day lives. So while we may be able to force ourselves to smile, it rarely is something that can be forced upon us. That goes back to the fact that we’re not born smiling. We have to learn it and decide when to use it.

Smile training

The average baby learns to smile between six to 12 weeks old. Some start younger. Others are older. It depends on how well their eyesight develops so that they can mimic their parents’ expressions, their family’s ability to find that noise, look, or toy that makes them happy enough to smile, or even the baby’s personality.

In this newborn phase, my nephew has a serious, old-soul air about him that tells us we will have to earn his smiles. At this point, it’s not about being happy or showing happiness. It’s about him working out what’s going on around him and deciding what makes him react.

Emotion bridges the gap between the nonverbal and verbal years. Crying is an important but usually unwelcome cue. It’s like an alarm going off but doesn’t tell you why it’s going off.  Smiling is validation that the baby is content, that whatever you’re doing is good, at least in that moment.

Transitioning to laughter

The thing about getting a baby to smile is that it’s not the end of the road. It’s just the first step in getting them to laugh. And like everyone else, there’s no one method that works. We’re a tough crowd from day one.

Making funny faces or noises is usually the starting point. A smile starts the engine, but it’s usually something unintentional that causes them to take off.

YouTube is littered with baby laughing compilations. Some laugh when you drop something on the floor. Others will laugh at a sneeze. Then parents document it as a record of their triumph. Their baby has suddenly become more human.

Genuine smiling and laughter

Babies are unburdened by the multitude of complex emotions that they will eventually develop. So, while trying to convert them from wailing to laughing is a challenge, it’s not as big of a challenge as coaxing it out of someone older.

We all know someone who tries to fix a sad person with a joke or a persuasion to “cheer up.” They try to manually force a mood adjustment.

Kids experiment with manipulating their feelings early on. They whine or throw temper tantrums to try to get their way.  Adults or older kids already know this trick, and when they identify it, they fight back with their own manipulated emotions. The worst is when you’re genuinely upset as a kid, and adults or older kids try to tease or tickle you to get a happy reaction, or worse, upset you even more.

Using smiling or laughter to get attention or your own way becomes less effective as you grow up. As you lose your cuteness or innocence, you learn that being the squeaky wheel gets noticed more than charm.

Then you become old enough to work with the public, and suddenly, professionalism is based on switching on the charm. Salespeople especially put on a performance, smiling and joking with the goal of earning sales. They use their act to generate genuine emotion in their clients which can then lead to engagement and deal making. Suddenly, the smiling scheme works.

Smiling and gender

Women know all too well the pressures of being told to smile all the time. We either instinctively do it in public or face the potential consequences of being encouraged, or downright ordered, to do it.

I was once at the park sitting on a swing and waiting for my friend to come back from dropping something off at her house. As I was sitting there, a car pulled up to me on the u-shaped road, a man rolled down his window, and asked, “what’s wrong?” Nothing was wrong. But he had seen me sitting alone and not smiling, and he assumed that I was sad.

Should I have been smiling while I waited for my friend? We’re always told that we’re not as visible as we think we are to others, but sometimes, you’re noticed when you least expect it.

My eighth grade health teacher used to stand by the door as we filed in, and he too would urge me to smile everyday. I would in shy, nervousness, but the truth was, I probably was miserable. I was in middle school, after all.

Was he asking me to do it to make himself feel better, or did he think he would be curing me of some sadness that I was feeling? Many of the boys would grimace or look stoic coming in the door, and nobody thought to ask them what was wrong or prompt a smile out of them. If they’re not smiling, it doesn’t mean something is wrong.

Truthfully, I think it’s just something to say when you don’t know what else to say to a person, an invitation to feel included by resolving to have a good time and make yourself feel like a welcome member of whatever societal ritual you’re taking part in.

And I know it’s not only women who get told this. We just get it a lot more often. There’s still some expectation there to be gracious and hospitable, and it typically feels like a command or a warning more than an encouragement. Look happy or no one will like you.

Too much smiling can hurt

The thing is, if you were to walk around smiling all the time, you’d come across as an airhead or clown or at least strain your face. Our faces all look different at rest. Some look angry. Some look cheerful. Others look upset. Because we can’t read minds, we have to read what external cues we do get.

As a shy kid, I used to walk around smiling all the time in a bashful, “please like me” way. It worked for adults but not so much for my peers. Kids don’t know what to do with that information. Just smiling isn’t enough. You have to engage verbally which can be scary and risky.

This is especially true once you become a teen. Teenagers don’t smile. It shows weakness and vulnerability. Middle school and high school adopts the prison-like attitude of kill or be killed when it comes to social status.

Show no emotion until the “right” people tell you it’s okay. That recognition of this hierarchy of coolness mixed with hormones spiking off the charts and the first real world stressors (grades, friends, relationships, your part-time job, etc.) will freeze your face into a permanent frown for the rest of your life. Because life doesn’t get any easier the older you get. Your situation changes, but the opportunities to smile become less frequent.

Comedy as a cure

When you’re miserable or feeling numb to emotion, I’ve found that the best treatment is comedy. Whether it’s a funny movie, TV show, stand up special, podcast, YouTube channel, or even something in print, finding the things that genuinely make you laugh is a great remedy to get out of a depressive rut.

Comedy provides a much-needed dopamine rush that can take you out of your head and diminish the power of the things that are weighing you down. Comedians are relatable in sharing in your misery, and they use jokes to make you feel less alone in your struggles.

Funny stories offer an escape from your problems altogether. Whether it’s your first time hearing or seeing it or you have it memorized, it helps. It may not be able to solve your problems, but just being relieved of them is enough to help deal with them.

Comedy is broad enough that it can appeal to every sense of humor imaginable, but it’s universal enough to get masses of people wiling to laugh out loud, whether they’re in a theater or home alone in front of their TV, phone, or computer.

Comedians have a reputation for being dark and brooding, as if they let all of the happiness out of themselves to give to others, leaving nothing left for themselves. I could go on forever about the intricacies of the comedy medium and how it has shaped our society, the entertainment industry, and even myself personally. But its basic premise is that it induces genuine, and much-needed smiling.

Worth the wait

Since starting this piece, my nephew has learned to smile. I’ve seen the proof in pictures. He has figured out what amuses him and how to express that good feeling that has been hidden behind those now fully alert, wide eyes.

It won’t be long now until he begins to laugh. His parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone else he meets will catch it like a cold. He’ll have taken part in that link up of emotion that humans desperately crave. I can’t wait to hear it.

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