Since we all live online, we now have to date online. That means that first impressions have changed. Online dating profiles give us an overview of a person’s history, personality, and ideologies.
You’d think that would make it easy to shuffle through the deck and single out potential matches. But despite what the commercials say, online dating is not as easy as it looks. Everyone needs to become a writer and a marketer in order to stand out from the rest.
One or both of those traits do no come easy to everyone. That’s most apparent in the bio section of people’s profiles. Here are some tips for writing your online dating bio.
How a good bio leads to conversation and potential meetups
I’m a straight, white cisgender female in her 30’s. So, my potential matches are straight men. As a result, I can only speak to this group of people who have an account on the dating site that I use. It amazes me how little effort is put into a profile on a site that users pay to be on. The bios are often no more than a few sentences, if they write anything at all. They don’t tell you much about themselves or ask you to message them if you want to learn more about them. And talk about what?
Small talk is one of my biggest pet peeves, and you can tell right away when a conversation isn’t going to go past the “Hi. How are you?” pleasantries. To help this along, a detailed bio. full of real talk conversation starters is the way to go. It’s the first step toward a potential meet up and, with any luck, the beginning of a relationship, or whatever it is you’re looking for.
My bio
Because I’m a writer, my bio is practically a novel. I don’t do this because I love to talk about myself. Instead, I do it to give potential matches enough material to think “like” or “skip” when they look at my profile. I try to lay out my deal breakers along with anything about me that may be deal breakers to others. I also like to include things such as:
- a brief history of my life, including my family life, where I grew up, went to school, and generally where I live now
- my current job
- my hobbies
- what I like to do for fun
- where I have traveled and plan to travel
- my plans for the future – where I want to live, work, travel, accomplish
- what I’m looking for on this site – long term relationship/marriage/family
I’m just painting an overview of what my life is like and why I’m on the site to begin with. I don’t get too personal, and I try to keep my tone relaxed and good-natured. No demands or stipulations. At the end of my bio, I let them know that I’m more likely to respond to a message if they skip the small talk and go right to talking about something that I mentioned in my bio. (a place I’ve traveled to, what I thought about a new movie that has just come out, etc.)
I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my bio which has led me to believe that most female users on the site keep their bios brief as well. I can’t say that I’m bombarded with likes and messages, but I do think I have kept a lot of men from wasting their time, and it has led to some really nice conversations, even if they didn’t go any further than messaging.
Their bio
One of the hardest parts of writing a bio is describing yourself. However, I do see a lot of the same descriptions going around. Guys like to consider themselves easy going, hardworking, and dependable. That’s nice. And safe. But there are other descriptions they love to use too. Like:
- Sarcastic – they love to describe their humor this way. I agree I have a sarcastic sense of humor too, but that comes across better in person than in print. This description gets you thinking: Do they mean obnoxious?
- Adventurous – Am I the only one who hasn’t jumped out of a plane, climbed a mountain, or gone white water rafting? Cause it feels like even guys who look like they’ve never moved out of their gaming chairs claim to have done all of these extreme sports and act like they do it every weekend.
- “Obsessed with” – They pick an interest, and that’s their thing. Whether it’s weight lifting, vaping, gaming, craft beer, etc. You know you’re going to be hearing a lot about that topic.
- An old-fashioned gentleman – They want to be the last of the chivalrous men of our grandparents’ generation who opens cars doors for “ladies” and knows how to “treat a woman right.” Modern women don’t really need you to put your coat over a puddle so that we can walk over it. So just prove your good manners. You don’t need to brag about them.
- “I’ll cook if you do the dishes.” – I’ve seen this on multiple posts. Even if you’re joking, it doesn’t off off very well.
- Up for anything – They love to travel and “go out on the town” but say “it’s cool if you want to stay in and watch a movie or something.” But what does your daily life look like now? Do you go out as much as you say you do? Are you really that flexible?
Dislikes and deal breakers
I think it’s important to be honest in your profile, and it should be easy as well. After all, you’re probably not on there to catch the attention of one particular person. You’re going in to this blind. So, the point is to only draw attention to the “type” of person that you’re looking for. There is no individual first impression.
There are pros and cons to this. You get to be your more authentic self, but that also means exposing your flaws and prejudices. We all have deal breakers. Some are more socially acceptable than others. One of my future plans is to have children. So, if a guy doesn’t, that’s a deal breaker, no matter what other great qualities he has. That’s a socially acceptable deal breaker.
However, there are those that fall into a non-acceptable or gray area. I know a guy who is on a dating site who says that a lot of girls write in their profile not to bother messaging them unless they have a college degree. It’s a bit shallow but doesn’t fall under the socially inappropriate category.
On the other end, I’ve seen stipulations that boil down to downright obnoxious deal breakers like, “no fatties,” leaving me to question their standards of what they consider to be overweight. If weight is a serious hang up for you, I don’t think you need to mention that or any other hang up that deals with physical appearance or cultural background. A person’s profile photos are most likely going to confirm that for you. You just simply need to not answer a message or return a like, and keep your prejudices ambiguous.
Politics and religion
Politics are a big deal right now. You may say you don’t care about another person’s political stance, but you may also find yourself disregarding potential matches who don’t share your political beliefs. And that’s fine. Others make it clear in their bio, sometimes bluntly, not to bother if you don’t share the same political beliefs. It can bring out an ugly side of people, one that may only pop up with this topic. But it’s enough to make you steer clear of them.
Religion is another big deal breaker for some. Contrary to popular believe, religion in general is not dead, and you can see how apparent it is by the many religious guys that I see online, encompassing a wide array of religions. I identify as Catholic on my profile, mostly because I was raised Catholic but for the most part, I’m non-practicing. I still consider myself Catholic in a cultural sense, but for some guys, they wanted me to be more involved than I was. Meanwhile, I’m sure some atheists see it and think my license plate reads WWJD. Since my profile is so long already, I hesitate to clarify, but if you see any aspect of your profile becoming a problem, make sure to address it in your bio.
Catfishing
Honesty is a problem whether you’re in-person or online. It’s easier to hide online, but it’s also easier to be honest. Online dating isn’t like the early 2000’s when you were a teenager flirting on chatrooms and message boards with people from out of state. Everyone is on there for a singular purpose, and the fact that there’s a collection of people to choose from doesn’t mean you’re trying to impress every single one by lying or stretching the truth.
I’ve never been catfished at a meetup, but I have learned things about people that they were quick to neglect in their profiles or through our chats leading up to the meeting. In one instance, it wasn’t until our first meeting that a guy told me he lives in another state during the week as part of some ongoing work project and could only meet me on weekdays.
Another guy had told me he was going to school to get his degree, and he was, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was a full time student who spent his days hanging out on campus, still living the college life in this mid-20’s while I was in my early 30’s and well over that phase in my life. Again, these were no full -on catfish moments, but they felt like things that could have been mentioned beforehand.
Super honesty
There are some real headscratcher profiles out there. Whether it’s the recently separated divorced dad of three who has barely moved out of the house or the dude he admits that he just got out of jail, you just think “why?” Nobody has their act completely together, but when you’re going through a major life adjustment, why would you sign up for a paid dating site to begin with? Nevertheless, I’m glad that they are super honest in their bios. It alerts me to stay away.
Super lies
Others tell such amazing lies in their bio. that they’re not fooling anyone. Take the men who look like they’re my dad’s age who claim to be 33, just so they pop up as a potential match for me. Just because you set guidelines for your matches doesn’t mean that you’re not going to pop as a match for someone else outside of those guidelines. Because 63-year-old Bob may have put on his profile that he’s looking for someone between the ages of 22 and 40.
I’ll tell you later
The “I’ll tell you later” answer is the most frustrating answer of all, especially when it comes to the marriage and children sections of your profile. Again, you don’t have to get too personal, but if you’re trying to get a date, you have to be clear about your situation.
The same goes for the smoking and drinking section. “I’ll tell you later” is both so cryptic and so telling at the same time. As much as it can feel like it, this isn’t a work resume or a job interview. Just tell it like it is so that you’re not wasting someone’s time or making them poke and prod you for details.
The “over it” profile
You can tell when a person is totally over online dating when their bio is a bitter rant of “Don’t waste your time with me” or “I’ve had no luck on this site. Why do I even bother?” or “You’re probably not going to message me.” If this is what you want to type into your bio, then just get off the site. Don’t broadcast your self-pity. Because we’re all in the same boat, feeling the same frustrations and trying to find a potential match.
“Message me first”
I get it. It’s the 21st century. Women should pull their weight when it comes to initiating a conversation. I’m fine with that and have even acted on it. But don’t write in your profile that you won’t make message first. No one should be standing against the wall. We already have the advantage of not having to talk face to face. Just message someone if you’re interested, and have a detailed bio so that people have an incentive to start the conversation about a mutual interest or experience.
Nor should either side get upset if they don’t get a message back. It’s called a “match” for a reason. It has to happen for both sides. When I don’t answer a message, it’s not personal. Because it can’t be.
Even a well-written profile and engaging online demeanor doesn’t tell you much about what a person is like in real life or how they will be over time. All a profile is meant to do is give you a fighting chance at a potential match. So, if it’s detailed, authentic, and friendly enough, it’s going to get you closer to your relationship goals.
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