After a prolonged and unprecedented 11 months of waiting for vital statistics and the courts to clear backlogged dockets from the global pandemic, Tom Tracy, children’s book author, and his husband finalized the adoption of their second daughter. Their daughters’ respective adoption experiences couldn’t be more different, but these two dads say the individual experiences were absolutely perfect for each girl. The same can be said for every adoption with the joy of family as the common thread that unites them all.
The decision to adopt
Gay marriage was legalized in our home state in 2013 – two years ahead of the US federal legalization. Our marriage in 2014 was a two-day event with a drag-queen inspired reception. People talked about it for months after the celebration. However, they started asking the age-old question that every married couple is asked almost instantly: “When are you going to have kids?”
We made a decision to not let this question invade our daily existence. Instead, we committed to creating dedicated space for the “kid discussion.” Each January, we agreed to have the conversation and answer the question “Is this the year we consider children?” In 2016, that answer was a resounding “Yes!” After exploring the options available for a gay couple, we decided that adoption was the right process for us.
Our first adoption
We signed on with a private adoption agency and were “matched” with a birth mom within 30 days. She chose us because we were gay (vs. despite being gay), which instantly endeared us to her. She was in her first trimester and was unwavering about her commitment to pursue adoption and to do everything to support a healthy pregnancy. “This is your baby,” she told us, and she wanted to do her part to help us have a healthy baby. We couldn’t love her more for that!
Over the next six months, we prepped the nursery, had a baby shower, explored hotel options in the birth mom’s home state as well as a host of other activities that the gift of time allowed us to do. Then, the day came. We got the call that the baby was born, and we were off to the hospital. Between us and birth mom, we shared caregiving responsibilities. And, on the day of birth mom’s discharge, we all shared a healthy and emotional goodbye with a promise to stay in touch.
Three months later, we were in court in front of a judge making a lifelong promise to care and love our baby no matter what. The gavel was hammered and, just like that, our baby girl was officially ours. It was practically like a fairy tale.
Our second adoption
When we decided to pursue a second adoption, we used a new, more local adoption agency. We hoped that a local agency would be more convenient and hopefully result in a local birth mom. We readied ourselves for a similar storybook adoption experience. That is not what we got!
Nearly 18 months after signing on with the new agency, we hadn’t been matched to a birth mom, and it did not look like it was going to happen anytime soon. I distinctly recall the evening my husband said to me that he had resigned himself to the fact that we weren’t going to be matched and that we’d give the experience another three months and then just quit.
Getting the call
Less than 24 hours after that conversation, we got the call. A baby had been born in a different state, about four hours away. The birth mom claimed she was unaware of her pregnancy and had gone to the hospital upon experiencing extreme back pain. She delivered the baby within hours of arriving at the hospital and decided, on the spot, that she was not in a position to provide for the child. Both mom and baby were scheduled for discharge the following day, and the baby girl was considered an emergency adoption situation.
Our adoption agency contacted us and, provided we could be at the hospital in time, informed us that we would be the adoptive parents of record. We dropped everything, including the vacation that we were scheduled to begin the very next day. Then, we made emergency arrangements for someone to watch our now four-year-old daughter.
We scrambled to pull the old car seat, clothing and extra diapers that had been stored in the attic for the last several years. Everything was thrown in the car. We arrived at the hotel near the hospital at 2:00 am and attempted to get a few hours of sleep before the 10:00 am discharge later that morning.
Finalizing the adoption
For the next 10 months, we worked with the adoption agency, with attorneys and with vital statistics to try and secure the necessary paperwork to finalize the adoption. COVID had created backlogs and delays everywhere. Vital statistics took nearly six months to produce a birth certificate. The court couldn’t anticipate how long it would take to clear their docket and so, we were asked to wait.
Then, on a Friday night, we received an email – one of us needed to virtually appear in court on Monday, but it was just a preliminary hearing, and this would not be the adoption finalization. Par for the course, however, when I appeared in court, the judge decided she wanted to finalize right then and there. I feverishly texted my husband to “get online NOW.” Within minutes and without any fanfare, the judge said, “It’s your daughter’s lucky day; she just got two new parents.” And just like that, it was over as fast as it had started.
Representative of their two adoption experiences
As we reflect on our daughters’ adoption experiences, we giggle a little when we recognize that their personalities are akin to their different adoption experiences. Our first daughter’s adoption was well-planned, coordinated with others and anchored in emotional anticipation. Alice Catherine, who is now 5 ½ years old, is thoughtful. She likes to plan, she thinks about others and has deep empathy and appreciation for people, for animals and for the nature. She sees the good in people. And she is patient.
Our second daughter’s adoption can only be described as unpredictable and unexpected. Micah, who is almost a year old, is certainly more impulsive. She is charting her own course and not following a standard set of rules. Things happen on her own time and when she is ready to do them. When she decides she is ready, she wants to do it now!
Our family story
We love both our daughters equally, and they bring us tremendous joy. Their individual adoption experiences are part of our collective family story. Our family has been made stronger because of them – because of adoption.
We are ever grateful for the adoption process and, most importantly, for the courage and selflessness of birth moms who blindly entrust other families to provide for their children what they, for whatever reason, felt they could not. We love our daughters’ birth moms and consider them to be an extended member of our own family.
For some, talking about adoption remains difficult and, in some cases, taboo. Our adoptions are both open adoptions, meaning we have an ongoing relationship with our daughters’ birth moms. We also openly discuss adoption as the process that created our family. My husband and I do not shy away from discussions about adoption with our daughters. In fact, Alice Catherine is proud of her adoption and her relationship with her biological family.
To help create an opportunity for other families to start the conversation about adoption, I wrote a children’s book that recounts our experience in adopting our first child. Scoochie & Skiddles: Scoochie’s Adoption Story is a multi-category award-winner in the Firebird Book Awards competition. In the first quarter of 2022, the book won 1st place in the Adoption category, 1st place in the LGBTQ+ Families category and 2nd place in the Parenting and Families category.
In addition to telling a positive story about adoption, the book also makes it a point to honor diverse families of all types. Through text and illustrations, the theme of the book is the joy of family, which is exactly what the adoption process has brought to us!
About the author
Tom Tracy, his husband, their two adopted daughters and their two rescue dogs live in New Jersey. Tom began writing children’s stories to help bring representation of diverse families to children’s literature. By telling stories that are based on his own family, his books reflect a family with two dads of transracially adopted daughters.
Tom is a career social worker who has worked with hundreds of children, families and individuals for over the course of 30 years. He recognizes that every person and every family has a story that is worth being told from which someone else can benefit. To learn more about Tom’s books, please visit www.scoochieandskiddles.com or feel free to email him directly at hello@scoochieandskiddles.com
Author links
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Amazon listing for Fun at Gramma’s
Amazon listing for Scoochie’s Adoption Story
Firebird Book Award Winning Author Interview
Buy it!
Buy a copy of Scoochie and Skiddles: Scoochie’s Adoption Story here, and help support local bookstores! This is an affiliate link, and I will earn a commission on any sales.
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Thank you for the opportunity to share our story.