A writer’s ultimate goal is to put what is in their head onto paper. We never really know how close we come to actually achieving this. But when what we write resonates with a reader, that’s how we know we’re on the right track.
Author Trevor McCall has written his memoir, A Star Called Bitterness, in hopes of offering readers a glimpse of how his mind works. Struggling with mental illness for most of his life, McCall transforms his life story into steam-of-consciousness memories, detailed conversations with his therapists, and a search for a cure.
A Star Called Bitterness plot summary
McCall’s story opens at age six. He sets the foundation of his life, describing a mother who neglects him, a father who’s on the road all the time, and a collection of memories of early interactions with the world told in a stream-of-consciousness style and from an innocent child perspective.
As McCall matures, so does his writing style, his life experiences, and his flipflopping manic and depressive states. His mindset causes extreme behaviors, such as running away, suicide attempts, and the tendency to fall in love with every girl he meets.
McCall is tethered to a constant battle in his brain between life and death, right and wrong, and love and hate. He develops unhealthy attachments to women and calls upon two other personalities to help him out of his troubles. Eventually, he is diagnosed with bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder. He experiments with several methods to treat these conditions before finding a method that works: a mixture of medicine, therapy, and writing.
The story
I tend to pass on reviewing personal memoirs that are about super heavy topics, such as mental illness and suicide attempts. It’s a lot to invest in someone else’s worst moments, even if you can learn from it.
But in his pitch, McCall summarized a story where he was in the hospital and was asked to spell the word “whirled” backwards. Despite spelling it correctly, the doctors and nurses looked at him like he was speaking another language until he realized that they had wanted him to spell “world” backwards.
These are moments that we all have at one time or another, honest miscommunication with a justifiable reason. I have experienced moments such as that so often in my life that it has made me question why I’m hearing, seeing, and experiencing things differently from everybody else. I liked how this book acknowledges that and how you can be made to feel “crazy” if you don’t relate to the norms.
The voice
A topic as widely discussed as mental illness is nowadays doesn’t really dig into the mind of someone with mental illness to see how they really operate. McCall is very deliberate in his word choice, his pacing, and the details of every story. He tells everything specifically from his point of view which is naturally biased and egocentric because it is his story.
I really latched onto the first half of the book in particular. McCall’s younger years were full of changes, innocent observations, and adventures. From shooting himself in the stomach to multiple failed attempts to run away, he illustrates this desire to pull away from himself, the racing thoughts, and the bad memories that take over his life.
The story jumps forward several years at a few points, skipping over periods of remission and the triggering events that launch him back into that desire to self-destruct. At the heart of it all is this need to be loved by others in order to love himself. He pours himself into his relationships at unhealthy levels, often hurting others or being hurt in the process.
It helps that the book has a happy ending. McCall feels like he has got a grasp on his diagnoses, and he offers advice for those struggling to find theirs. At the same time, the book shows instead of tells, and in showing, it brings an understanding to the reader that telling could never get across.
My recommendation
I recommend A Star Called Bitterness to anyone who can handle and is fascinated by the topic of mental illness. McCall deep dives into vivid thought processes, detailed conversations during therapy sessions, and an over-rationalization of his thoughts and actions. It does run a big long in some sections and its focus shifts continuously throughout. But McCall does nail his goal of being able to paint a detailed picture of what his mental illness feels like in his head. And if we could do that with everybody, we would be able to hear and spell all words the same.
My rating
An interview with Trevor McCall
You mention throughout the book a desire to be a famous author. Whose career do you hope to mirror? What would you do with that fame?
I’ve never thought about the question of fame in terms of mirroring another author’s success. Since I’m in my late forties, I would have to go with Cormac McCarthy. He is someone who seems to have hit his stride in his fourth decade. I also like that his career has been long lasting and eventually ended with critical as well as commercial success.
What I would do with that fame is an even tougher question. The best answer is that I would write a lot more books. Writing and holding down a full-time job requires intense commitment. It is not a marriage which flourishes. Neither my writing nor my job ever gets my undivided attention. I also believe I would make much more time for volunteering. Pay the universe back a little for favoring me with fame.
How did you plot out the structure and content of this book? Did you write it in chronological order?
When I first conceived of the book, I knew it would be written in three parts. The first part dealing with my childhood. The second part would be my experiences in between my seventh and twenty-eighth year. The last part would center on my fortieth to my forty-seventh year.
The only thing that really changed about this structure is that I mercilessly condensed the first part in the hopes that it would be a coiled spring of tension for the reader. It was originally twice as many pages as it is now. I meant for it to come across like an exposed nerve…
I did write the book in chronological order. Doing so was very therapeutic. It let me see the ways in which I changed through the year and also the ways in which I stagnated.
Which person featured in the book would you most want to read your book who you know hasn’t yet?
My mother.
You feature long conversations with your therapists throughout this book. How were you able to recall the details of these conversations enough to recreate them in this book? How closely do you think they resemble the original conversations?
In terms of the psychological principles discussed and the insights shared by my therapists and me, the conversations could be transcriptions. In terms of the actual words used, not very close at all.
For example, the man I call Dr. Franklin really did tell me to read The Catcher in the Rye because he thought I was a Holden Caulfield type. The words I attribute to him to get this point across were just facilitators. Like anyone would, I do remember a few things word for word, and I included those in the dialogue whenever possible.
Which chapter of this book would you most want to relive? Would you change anything about that time?
This is a trick question for a manic-depressive. My mind immediately went to the times when I was under the influence of a hypomania. The times when I, the nervous little wreck in the corner, was the center of everyone’s attention. The times when I could mix facts with insight in defiance of their oil and water tendencies. The times when I could just look at a person and cause them to want to be in my orbit.
In the end of course it’s all a mirage, but it feels so real when it’s happening. If I could go back, I would make myself take my medicine.
Your mindset in certain moments was to grasp at extreme levels of control (thinking you were a god, a need to figure out the universe, etc.). Why do you think your mind went so big in the search for control?
The defining psychological trauma of my life was my belief that no one can love me. How many people do you think would love me if I solved the riddles of the universe? Can you imagine what would happen to your brain if you convinced yourself you had to be Einstein for someone to love you? In the end, my ambitions were the equal of my pain.
What do you think makes a good therapist? Is it a personal connection or a general set of skills and traits?
For sure, it is both. A good therapist will be intelligent with a broad base of knowledge to choose from when trying to offer helpful suggestions. My therapist suggested that I read books about Transactional Analysis because she thought something in the theory would appeal to me. She did this even though Transactional Analysis hadn’t been widely studied in psychology in several decades. The theory did resonate with me and helped me to nearly all the initial insights I gained about my relationship to my mental disorders.
In the book, I say that therapy is an art, and it is your responsibility to find someone who can practice it at a museum quality level. My therapist’s suggestion of Transactional Analysis is an example of her practicing her art. She had an intuition that the theory would appeal to me, and she was right.
I believe the therapist’s intuitions about you are a natural outgrowth of the personal connection. Some people just get you. When looking for a therapist, you definitely want to find someone who just gets you.
What’s next for you?
Over the last three years, I’ve put sixteen titles up on Amazon and have written thirteen screenplays. I’ve done close to zero marketing for any of that work. So, I’ve decided to take a year and really try and promote my books to see if I can make at least one of them successful. Reaching out to you for a review was a part of that process! Thank you so much, Laura, for giving me this opportunity.
Author links
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A Star Called Bitterness on Amazon
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I came across your article/interview and was somewhat surprised with mixed emotions. I want to apologize if I played any part with your mental health. I’m glad to see you are doing well.